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24 August 2010 @ 10:33 am
Oddball question  
Suppose, for the sake of this question, that you were famous for something. So famous, in fact, that you were invited to tour around the country (or around the world, if you wish) to present whatever it is you're famous for.

What sorts of things would your contract request or require for your green room / dressing room? This can range from the obvious ("working plumbing, two large towels, two small towels, and one washcloth per person in the team") to the silly ("provide seven copies of a daily newspaper suitable for folding into paper boats") to the outrageous ("all windows in buildings overlooking the parking lot must be blacked out starting one day before the concert").

Some sample Green Room Riders are here, if you want some inspiration. I'll put mine in a comment. I changed my mind, and am putting mine here, behind the cut, so I can keep editing it.

For the purposes of argument, we'll assume I'm touring with Dale, a personal assistant, and a secretary.

Introductory statement: We will treat all members of the venue staff with courtesy and consideration, and expect the same in return. However, we will reserve the right to require replacement of any staff member who sufficiently annoys us. ["right to replace staff member" snagged from ysabetwordsmith]

Venue will assign a single point-of-contact liaison and provide that person's name, email address, and mobile phone number to my PA and my secretary. Ideally, venue should also assign a gofer with a working knowledge of the area, a valid driver's license and insurance, a reasonably clean driving record, and a car in safe operating condition. The gopher may be asked to "go fer" supplies or other desired items, or to drive me, Dale, and/or my staff around. We will make all reasonable efforts to avoid disturbing the liaison or the gofer at unreasonable hours.

Technical: I'd have an expert draw these up.

Security: The venue will provide secured parking and appropriate additional security. Specifics will vary based on circumstances including but not limited to location of venue. All security arrangements must be approved by venue management, my agent, and my PA, and final approval is to be complete at least two weeks before the scheduled event. We will provide a list of local friends who are to be admitted without hassle. [the idea of including security arrangements snagged from drewkitty, the "local friends" snagged from tassie_gal]

Accuracy: If my name or the title of the event is misspelled anywhere (e.g., marquee, posters, ads), the venue will be required to contribute $500 per incident to a charity of my choice. [this item snagged from bldrnrpdx]

Backstage requirements: Dressing room / green room facilities will be clean and free of odors, have working plumbing (toilet, sink, shower), have sufficient clean (no odors) and lined trash cans, and be kept at a temperature between 66F and 73F. ["no lingering odors" and "internet access" snagged from fatcook; trash cans from Jimmy Buffet's sample contract]

There will be sufficient light to read comfortably, and enough power outlets for computers and electronics chargers.

There will be Internet access, preferably wifi.

There will be soap, two large towels, two hand towels, and a washcloth for each person. There will be comfortable chairs and/or couches.

There will be a stocked basic first-aid kit.

Backstage requests: There should be a desk with a comfortable desk chair.

Ideally, food should be provided in a separate but nearby catering area; if not, however, there should be a table and chairs, as well as a small refrigerator and a microwave.

In addition to the required first-aid kit, it would be helpful to have a cluster of OTC products including but not limited to Benadryl (or house brand of the same active ingredient), acetaminophen, ibuprofen, cough suppressant WITHOUT a decongestant, Gas-X, Mylanta, and throat spray.

Food and beverage requirements ("will") and requests ("should"):

Soda, milk, and juices are fine in individual serving bottles or cans, and cereals in individual packs, so that leftovers don't have to be thrown out. Leftovers may be distributed as the venue manager wishes; however, there is a preference for donating non-perishables to a food bank or shelter.

There will be a table, chairs, fridge, and microwave, as well as basic supplies including plates, bowls, cups, flatware, napkins, ice. Ideally, plates, bowls, and cups should be of a variety that will not melt in the microwave.

There will be diet cola, at least two six-packs per day (Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi preferred).

There will be diet decaf soda, at least one six-pack per day (Diet 7-Up or Sprite, Fresca, Diet Rite in any flavor, and any flavor diet decaf house brand are all acceptable). Tonic water and club soda are also good.

There will be water, either bottled or filtered in a pitcher or filtered through the refrigerator.

There should be milk, either 2% or whole.

There should be assorted juices, ideally including V8 and cranberry.

There will be sandwich fixings: sliced lunch meats, sliced cheeses, lettuce, tomatoes, condiments, bread. Bread and tomatoes will not be refrigerated.

There should be hot meals, as appropriate based on times of events:
  • breakfast -- Activia yogurt in any flavor, bagels, butter, cream cheese, peanut butter, jelly, bacon or sausage, cold cereal, hot cereal.
  • lunch -- green salad, pasta with meat, and a vegetable side.
  • supper -- If the area is known for a specific cuisine (e.g., BBQ in Memphis or Kansas City, Cajun in New Orleans, seafood on the coasts) or for a brilliant restaurant that's willing to do catering, three representative meals and one boring meal. Otherwise all meals can be boring.

For purposes of this rider, a boring meal is something like green salad followed by hamburgers or meatloaf, baked or fried chicken, baked or fried fish, meat lasagna, or pizza, plus a vegetable side and a starch side (which can be bread). Pizza should include one meat-only, one veggie-only, and one mixed, and does not require additional sides.
Daniel Gundersongundo on August 24th, 2010 02:36 pm (UTC)
One thing to keep in mind is that Van Halen's rider, although it sounds frivolous, wasn't. They knew that if they walked in their rooms and found green M&Ms, there were probably other parts of the rider, more serious parts, that had been ignored as well.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 24th, 2010 03:01 pm (UTC)
I know; that's why I didn't include that.
Peter Engdornbeast on August 24th, 2010 02:55 pm (UTC)
Well, I'd start with the obvious, as listed.

Beyond that, I can think of only one thing.

Just before the event, a woman (different one each day, but no other specifics) would knock on the door, lean in and say, "Caesar was mortal, and so are you," then leave.
seawaspseawasp on August 24th, 2010 06:17 pm (UTC)
The problem with that statement is that it is unproven until the point at which it is no longer needed!
Peter Engdornbeast on August 24th, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
It doesn't need to be proven true. It just needs to be said. I could start believing my own press, otherwise.
A Wandering Hobbitredbird on August 24th, 2010 04:48 pm (UTC)
Tea! Which, given practicalities, means an electric tea kettle, a suitable number of mugs, and a box each of bags of Twinings Irish Breakfast, Ceylon, and orange-flavored black tea.

Water, juice, and seltzer (or club soda, or even Perrier) are also good, but tea is the one I keep having trouble with while traveling.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 24th, 2010 05:05 pm (UTC)
I'm not a tea-drinker, so I don't tend to think of it. If either the hypothetical PA or the hypothetical secretary were tea or coffee drinkers, I'd include it.

How does seltzer differ from club soda? I thought they were different names for the same thing.
Buddha Buckblaisepascal on August 24th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
Practically, there is no difference between seltzer and club soda. Traditionally, club soda has added mineral salts, to more closely resemble the water you'd get from spas (clubs) that had naturally sparkling mineral springs. Seltzer is also available with added flavors, usually subtle and without sweeteners, while club soda is always unflavored.

My personal preference is for a flavored seltzer over club soda, but either over plain water (tap, bottled, spring, or filtered).
Bladerunnerbldrnrpdx on August 24th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
Mine would include something about "if my name is misspelled, in any fashion, then the hosting organization(s) must pay me $500 and donate $5000 to charity of my choice". I'd become ridiculously famous (in addition to whatever I was already famous for) for fundraising because of this. I'll have to think on what else I'd demand.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 24th, 2010 07:39 pm (UTC)
Ooh, I like that!
Bladerunnerbldrnrpdx on August 24th, 2010 07:48 pm (UTC)
I remember reading years ago that Billy Squier (80s rocker) had a similar note in his contract - not the 'donate to charity' part, but some obscene amount to be paid to him if his name was misspelled on the marquee (and, presumably, other publicity materials).

And thinking on it more, I think I'd have the money paid "per incident" - the marquee is one, flyers is another, newspaper ads are another (and separately for each different paper the ad was printed in).
(Anonymous) on August 24th, 2010 06:59 pm (UTC)
You forgot the creeme cheese, and lox for the bagels!

Younger Brother
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 24th, 2010 07:39 pm (UTC)
There is cream cheese in the list. I didn't think of lox, because I was basing the list on an "expanded continental" breakfast at a hotel.
Wolfteddywolf on August 24th, 2010 08:55 pm (UTC)
Fresh-squeezed orange juice is my sticking point. Other points are negotiable so long s I am comfy; I am not proud.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 27th, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
Fresh squeezed OJ is delicious.
fatcook: ?????fatcook on August 24th, 2010 09:37 pm (UTC)
Wifi hotspot or internet capability in the green room.

Also, MOST important: MUST NOT SMELL of old tobacco, roadkill(new or old), bodily functions or physical encounters of a inmate nature!

Yes, I have been in green rooms that have smelled of some or all of those things.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 27th, 2010 12:36 pm (UTC)
Oh, good points all!
tassie_gal: You were saying???tassie_gal on August 25th, 2010 12:42 am (UTC)
Procastination ahoy (yeah I should be editing why do you ask?)
Assuming I am travelling with a PA, my best friend and bodyguard. Two rooms. One fitted out as a dressing room with seperate shower/toilet that has bath sheets, HOT water, good water pressure and organic soap etc.
Make up/dressing area has to have decent carpet, good quality chairs, mirror and light.
LOTS of natural light with decent curtains.
A day bed in the corner with pillows and blankets.
Second room has to have at least 3 comfy couches/chairs. Reading lights, TV, natural light where possible.
Good spread of good quality organic where possible food. More grab and go then sit down meal.
Decent iPod dock
Table for card games
Drink wise, prefer fresh juices but will also need decent filter coffee, tea.
All milk to be non homogenised full fat.
At least 1 tin of condensed milk and cocoa.
Decent soundproofing - I dont want to be able to hear people talking outside etc
Before I arrive all carpets etc to be steam cleaned and scrubbed. No smoking/stale smells will be tolerated as I am sensitive to them.
Directions to at least 2 non chain bookstores
A good selection of magazines and books - current reading preferences will be sent ahead.
WiFi access
Ability for friends who live in the city to come and go without having to go through 6 layers of checks.

I think thats about it. One day I will be able to actually ACTION this!!!
tassie_galtassie_gal on August 25th, 2010 04:36 am (UTC)
Forgot to add...
Security will be provided by the performer but @ the venues expense.
tassie_galtassie_gal on August 25th, 2010 04:37 am (UTC)
Oh and heat will be maintained between 22-25C at all times in all areas of the venue.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 27th, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
I like the idea of directions to local places, and to making it easy for friends to visit.
Curious Stuffonelargecat on August 25th, 2010 02:27 am (UTC)
oh gosh, what a fun question! here's my not-exhaustive list of what I'd want:

King-sized bed with down comforter
Cold cokes and crushed ice
Room on high floor, with balcony
Hot tub on balcony (hey, if I'm fantasizing here...) or alternately access to private outdoor hot tub somewhere else on hotel grounds
Spa-quality shampoo & conditioner (I wouldn't specify brands b/c I like trying different ones)
Massage therapist on-call
List of recommended restaurants to try in the area--fresh, good food, a few vegetarian options, good wine and/or cocktail list

Gosh, that's all I can come up with off the top of my head.

Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 27th, 2010 10:48 pm (UTC)
Ooh, a hot tub would be lovely.
drewkittydrewkitty on August 25th, 2010 02:48 am (UTC)
Secure parking will be provided. Secure parking is large enough to hold the entire traveling convoy, enclosed by chain link fence of at least 8' in height, and guarded by a uniformed security officer, provided through the venue's usual security provider and equipped with a mobile telephone and a venue security radio. This officer is to be stationed at the primary entrance, unless relieved by another officer. The design of the parking area shall be such that this officer can from the primary entrance view the entire secured parking area. In the event of a breach the security officer will immediately notify the venue security, who will notify the convoy, in any case within five (5) minutes of the breach. The mobile telephone number will be securely provided to the convoy lead driver.

A primary entrance and secondary entrance to the secure parking area will be provided. AT NO TIME WILL THE PRIMARY ENTRANCE BE LEFT UNGUARDED, as above. The secondary entrance will be secured by combination lock and may be secured by other locks provided that the combination lock is not excluded. The combination will be unique and securely provided to the convoy lead driver.

If secure parking cannot be provided due to the nature of the venue, at least three (3) suitable reserved parking areas will be provided, each large enough to hold the entire traveling convoy. These areas will be held clear and unused (by signage, cones, tape, etc.) for the duration of the event. Posted guards or patrols are at the discretion of the venue but recommended. The selection of reserved parking area will be made at the last moment and may change during the event. If all three (3) sites are not clear whenever required, this is a breach of contract and the performer reserves the right not to appear as a direct result.

None of these parking areas shall contain "red zones," red curbs, handicap reserved areas, or any other traffic signal, fire regulation or law enforcement related hindrance to free parking by the convoy. The venue shall pay all citation-related costs resulting from noncompliance on the venue's part.

It is to be understood that a staff driver will be available for and with each convoy vehicle at all times, THEREFORE NO CONVOY VEHICLE WILL SUBMIT TO TOW-AWAY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. This understanding shall be communicated to the law enforcement liaison for the event. Spare drivers are available in the event of unforeseen circumstances affecting an individual driver.

In the event of EXTREME EMERGENCY as defined elsewhere in the contract, executive protection personnel will expect and insist upon swiftly escorting the PERFORMER to any place of safety as immediately determined by the Executive Protection Lead, or survivor or designate. This place of safety may or may not be a convoy vehicle. In such emergencies, venue security's cooperation with ANY LAWFUL REQUEST will be expected and non-cooperation will be a breach of contract. This includes "ALL ACCESS" to all parts of the venue including those normally restricted and those which may be leased to other parties, as well as all exterior gates or doors regardless of where they may lead. This understanding will be communicated to all venue security staff in writing and signatures secured on a roster of all authorized venue security personnel, which will be faxed to the Executive Protection lead at least one (1) hour prior to arrival window.
drewkittydrewkitty on August 25th, 2010 02:48 am (UTC)

The Executive Protection team shall maintain liaison with the venue security, who shall in turn maintain liaison with an on-site representative of local law enforcement for the entire duration of the PERFORMER's visit. Discreet and secure communication shall flow freely on matters of private and public safety.

A briefing will be made available to the venue security chief and the local law enforcement representative with respect to privately owned arms accompanying PERFORMER and staff. This will be on a case by case basis with respect to threat level, local law and standing venue policies. Note that PERFORMER may or may not personally carry firearm(s). No other questions will be entertained by PERFORMER or staff on the subject of firearms or other weapons or defensive/protective equipment including personal protective equipment (body armor) from any source whatsoever including police other than the local law enforcement representative, and should instead be directed to PERFORMER's legal counsel (see appendix).

No destructive devices, explosives or pyrotechnics will be present or brought into the venue without concurrent approval of Executive Protection lead, venue security chief and local law enforcement liaison (and fire marshal / fire regulatory authority, as appropriate). Fireworks planning should begin at least two weeks in advance with final concurrent approval no later than 72 hours prior to venue start.

NEWS MEDIA have no right of access to PERFORMER or to PERFORMER's employees, contractors or staff. Only scheduled and arranged press conferences or meetings will take place; individual reporters, 'stringers' and the like will not have access to PERFORMER without prior approval from PERFORMER's Executive Protection lead. All such requests shall be directed first to PERFORMER's publicist, then to Executive Protection Lead who will give final onsite approval PRIOR TO such meetings being initiated.

PERFORMER is not to be touched for any reason, except by PERFORMER's staff in the performance of their duties according to internal rules not shared. This precludes the offering of handshakes; if offered, PERFORMER will nod or bow and a member of PERFORMER's staff will accept handshake and remind of protocol. In the unlikely event of a medical emergency affecting PERFORMER's ability to consent to medical treatment, the Executive Protection lead or designate or survivor will assume this role on behalf of PERFORMER. No questions will be entertained by PERFORMER or staff on the subject of PERFORMER's preference not to be touched.

Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 27th, 2010 07:07 pm (UTC)
You've put a lot of thought into the security arrangements. I can see where being famous enough to tour could mean being famous enough to have security issues.
Elizabeth Barretteysabetwordsmith on August 28th, 2010 02:48 am (UTC)
Most of it already looks good. I'd add air conditioning and a real bed. *ponder* And the right to fucking banish any person who wouldn't listen to me.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on August 30th, 2010 12:28 am (UTC)
Re: Hmm...
Oh, I like the right to banish. Snagged!