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02 May 2008 @ 09:04 am
Bitten by the black dog (metaphor)  
I should have realized it yesterday afternoon; I did figure it out yesterday evening.

I'm in a depressive slide again. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not at all depressed and 10 is sitting on the edge of the bed looking longingly at Dale's phenobarbital (which I would never actually steal), I'm at about a 6. I'm not in danger; not suicidal or likely to deliberately self-injure.

Thanks to good therapy, I do have the intellectual skills to know that this is temporary and to more or less cope. I'm functioning at about 70%, I think. I'll keep taking my nice drugs (better living through modern chemistry!), I'll play happy-Janet music, I'll slog through it, and in a few days or a week or so the cloud will lift and I'll start feeling better again.

You know what's weird? I don't get completely anhedonic when I'm in this kind of depression. I'm angry and bitter and right on the edge of tears; I want to be hateful and hurtful and push people away (but again, I have developed enough self-awareness and coping skills that I mostly don't do that); but individual things can still be funny and I can laugh at them.

P.S. The icon more or less describes how I feel about Life, The Universe, and Everything right now; it's not directed at any of you, my friends and acquaintances.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
(Deleted comment)
Bladerunnerbldrnrpdx on May 3rd, 2008 08:15 pm (UTC)
I know I definitely have a harder time in spring than any other time of year. I've always written it off to being the end of the school year. Public school end-of-years were hard enough with everyone going off to do their own thing leaving me mostly on my own all freaking summer. College meant having to leave school and go back to the family home and find work for the summer (always a dismal prospect). After that was grad school. Now I'm still on school schedules. Spring means Endings where Fall means Beginnings for me. Endings mean Change and frankly, I Fear Change. Mostly. Not entirely. But enough to be mostly true. And a little funny. Mostly because it makes me ramble like this. Okay, I'll stop now. :)
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on May 3rd, 2008 09:52 pm (UTC)
The more I think about it, the more I think I may have accidentally triggered this bout by letting myself get insufficiently hydrated on Thursday. Not dehydrated, but not hydrated enough, and I bet that + heat was enough to fuck with the brain chemistry.

Which reminds me of the joke: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a burned-out lightbulb?

Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb.