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02 May 2008 @ 09:04 am
Bitten by the black dog (metaphor)  
I should have realized it yesterday afternoon; I did figure it out yesterday evening.

I'm in a depressive slide again. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not at all depressed and 10 is sitting on the edge of the bed looking longingly at Dale's phenobarbital (which I would never actually steal), I'm at about a 6. I'm not in danger; not suicidal or likely to deliberately self-injure.

Thanks to good therapy, I do have the intellectual skills to know that this is temporary and to more or less cope. I'm functioning at about 70%, I think. I'll keep taking my nice drugs (better living through modern chemistry!), I'll play happy-Janet music, I'll slog through it, and in a few days or a week or so the cloud will lift and I'll start feeling better again.

You know what's weird? I don't get completely anhedonic when I'm in this kind of depression. I'm angry and bitter and right on the edge of tears; I want to be hateful and hurtful and push people away (but again, I have developed enough self-awareness and coping skills that I mostly don't do that); but individual things can still be funny and I can laugh at them.

P.S. The icon more or less describes how I feel about Life, The Universe, and Everything right now; it's not directed at any of you, my friends and acquaintances.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
mr profit's girl friday (and all week long)tiferet on May 2nd, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
I've had frequent bouts with the black dog and I don't consider it the least bit odd that it doesn't affect your sense of humour; I've written some of my funniest pieces during Depressions. Frankly, most things that are funny are funny because in some way they are painful. Depression is far from being the absence of humour; it's the absence of joy.

Hope you feel better soon.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on May 2nd, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
Thanks. Based on prior experience, I should start doing better in a week or so. If I don't, I'll head back to Nancy Davis for a "tune-up".