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02 May 2008 @ 09:04 am
Bitten by the black dog (metaphor)  
I should have realized it yesterday afternoon; I did figure it out yesterday evening.

I'm in a depressive slide again. On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is not at all depressed and 10 is sitting on the edge of the bed looking longingly at Dale's phenobarbital (which I would never actually steal), I'm at about a 6. I'm not in danger; not suicidal or likely to deliberately self-injure.

Thanks to good therapy, I do have the intellectual skills to know that this is temporary and to more or less cope. I'm functioning at about 70%, I think. I'll keep taking my nice drugs (better living through modern chemistry!), I'll play happy-Janet music, I'll slog through it, and in a few days or a week or so the cloud will lift and I'll start feeling better again.

You know what's weird? I don't get completely anhedonic when I'm in this kind of depression. I'm angry and bitter and right on the edge of tears; I want to be hateful and hurtful and push people away (but again, I have developed enough self-awareness and coping skills that I mostly don't do that); but individual things can still be funny and I can laugh at them.

P.S. The icon more or less describes how I feel about Life, The Universe, and Everything right now; it's not directed at any of you, my friends and acquaintances.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
guppiecatguppiecat on May 2nd, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
I work that way. When I'm depressed, I find certain things absolutely freakin' hilarious... but I never share them because it would take too much work to explain it to someone else, and they probably wouldn't care anyway.

Once I'm in a frame of mind that I realize that other people actually DO care, the things aren't funny anymore.
Janet Miles, CAP-OMjanetmiles on May 2nd, 2008 02:39 pm (UTC)
Am I evil for finding that sadly hilarious right now?
guppiecatguppiecat on May 2nd, 2008 02:47 pm (UTC)
Not at all.

The longer I deal with this, the more I realize that there is value in depression. It provides an alternate state of consciousness and therefore an alternate frame of reference... and IMO, anything that helps you understand yourself and the world around you is a net positive.


I may need reminding of that when I slip into my next depressive cycle.